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So I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about-Surprise! -- Men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier.

One woman said: "This guy comes up to me and says, 'Are you a teacher?' I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?" All three women rolled all six of their eyes. Another one of them said: "This guy says to me, 'I've been looking at you all night!' So I go, 'HELLO, we just GOT here.' At this point all three women-and I want to stress that these are intelligent, nice women-were laughing. Not me. I was feeling for the guys. I grant that it is not easy being a female. But I contend that nature has given males the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting shot down. I don't know WHY males get stuck with this burden, but it's true throughout the animal kingdom. If you watch the nature shows on the Discovery Channel, you'll note that whatever species they are talking about-birds, crabs, spiders, clams-it is ALWAYS the male who has to take the initiative. It's always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she's going to tell her girlfriends. ("And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I'm supposed to be impressed by THAT!) My point here is that, in matters of the heart, males have the brains of a walnut. No, wait! That is not my point. My point is that perhaps you women could cut us males a little bit of slack in the move- making process, because we are under a lot of stress. I vividly remember when I was in 10th grade, and I wanted to call a girl named Nisha and ask her to a dance, and before I picked up the phone, I spent maybe 28 hours rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. So when I actually made the call, I was pretty smooth. "Hello, Dance?" I said. "This is Nisha. Do you want to go to the Rahul with me?" Fortunately Nisha grasped the basic thrust of my gist and agreed to go to the dance. That is the awesome power that you women have over us men.

I hope you understand this, and the next time a guy walks up and uses some incredibly lame, bonehead line on you, I hope that, instead of laughing at him, you will remember that he is under the intense pressure of wanting to impress you enough so that you might want to get to know him better and thereby enabling the survival of the human race, which believe me is the only thing that we males are truly concerned about. In conclusion, let me just say to all females everywhere, on behalf of all males everywhere, that you are very beautiful and your eyes are like two shining stars, unless you're a female fly, in which case your eyes are more like 2,038 shining stars. So PLEASE give us a chance!!!


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